We are coming up to that time of year again and that can only mean one thing. As the Andy Williams lyric goes, "it's the most wonderful time of the year…" No, parents, it's not the end of the school summer holidays…
For those of you who can't decide what they want for Christmas, I've come up with a helpful list of ideas. However, so-as not to be labelled 'boring', I've made things a bit more fun. I have taken all of my ideas from the first few pages of Google's search engine results for "All I Want For Christmas Is…" So, here's the list to choose from - take your pick…
All I want for Christmas is…
- "You". Well obviously, and it's nice of you to say so. But you can't have me, Mariah. Much as I appreciate your Festive hit, I'm not sure I could cope with a Christmas full of your high-pitched warbling!
- My two front teeth. No problem. I'll even wrap them up for you. Now then, where did I put my hammer…
- A PSP viral marketing campaign. Be honest with me now, who doesn't want one of those? I don't think anyone of sane mind desires anything viral at Christmas time… especially not Herpes or Chlamydia. Office Christmas parties… they're fun, aren't they!
- A Beatles gift collection. Nothing funny about that. In fact, that's way too serious to be on my list, take it off…
- A job. Is that a job or a McJob? I reckon there's quite a few people out there wishing for one of those at the moment (not the latter one).
- A Duckla Prague Away Kit. A what? It sounds like clothing worn by a choir of operatic mallards from the Czech Republic. Actually, it's a 'B' side by Punk group Half Man Half Biscuit (as opposed to the Pop group Half Woman Half Twix).
- A baby. You're not getting one of those from me, so don't even try it missus…
- A pair of swim shorts. The ideal present for anyone planning on a New Year dip in the sea… The present comes with a free packet of Nurofen Cold and Flu and a New Year's resolution not to be so stupid to do it next year.
- A vampire. A nice idea, but you won't find many blood sucking creatures around here (ex-girlfriends excluded) - Buffy and I are out every Saturday night seeing to that…
- A bombed-out Dollhouse. Getting hold of one of those might be quite difficult, unless someone accidentally posts Barbie's New Year house party plans onto Facebook…
- To be sucked into a black hole. As long as the black hole isn't inside Katie Price's head - sure, sounds great. Just to check - there is a Starbucks there, right?
- A tail. Yes, yes, I want one of those too!
Finally, some ideas of my own (feel free to thank me)
- Some Facebook friends. In a world where popularity is becoming increasingly determined by the number of friends you have on social networking websites… here's an opportunity to increase your popularity and feel like you've really achieved in life. Congratulations.
- The CD 'The Greatest Hits of John and Edward' (not available for download as the Internet isn't ready to cope with it)
- Christmas in Prague with some operatic feathered friends. I think you'll be pheasantly surprised how enjoyable it is.
- A Swine Flu jab. Well, getting swine flu seems to be as inevitable as death and taxes. So, what better present to give to someone than a needle in the arm? (as one drug addict says to the other)
- A clove of garlic. Why? For the same reason as above, believe it or not. The price of garlic has gone through the roof in China after rumours that it helps prevent swine flu. Perhaps swine flu is spread by vampires? Hint: when combining presents, don't combine this idea with number 9 from the first list.
- An E-Book Reader with Michael Jackson Biography. Bringing the two most talked about things of the year together. One birth and one death.
- The rest of your teeth (accidentally knocked out when I was trying to get the front two out for you - sorry, I didn't have a *small* hammer!)
- Spinach doughnuts Hey, these appear to be getting a mention in EVERY blog post.
- The bum and thong pillow. Apparently, it's the 'must have' item this Christmas (according to me)…
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